a Big Deal and Stuff

The new year is approaching us, and that means that most people are thinking about the resolution that sounds the most impressive to others and yet is also simultaneously the easiest to break. Meanwhile, I am thinking about some changes that I believe can benefit society -- and trust me, I know a lot about society. Or maybe it's Monopoly. Well, I know a lot about whatever it is that makes you pay an electric bill.

My first change involves compliments people give to others that are not properly directed. For example, it is common to hear people compliment their friends in regards to coffee.

But it is not difficult to make coffee -- all it takes is a good coffee maker, or maybe even the ability to steal coffee from the local donut shop across the street. Thus, the compliment should be directed towards the coffee maker, and by

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that mean I mean the electronic one, not the human who inserts the contents into a machine. If I have my wish, we will all be sitting around a table in a month or two as people give compliments such as, "Hey, that's quite a machine you have there" and "Wow, even an idiot like you can make good coffee. You must have some machine!" This will help to establish peace before the Winter Olympics begins, which is important because there are two or three people who plan on watching them.

My compliment theory extends outside of coffee as well. For example, when a dog is good looking, why do people compliment the owner instead of the actual dog? If I have my wish, we will all be sitting around a table in a month or two as people give compliments such as, "Hey, that dog must have been made with a great machine" and "Wow, even an idiot like you can have a good-looking dog. You must have some machine!"

But my gripes don't end there. I also want to make sure the word "marathon" is never misused again. The Greek city of Marathon is where a messenger began his journey to Athens to announce victory over the Persians. I am not sure if the Persians understood him because he didn't know the secret handshake, but nonetheless a tradition was born whereby multiple races of 26 miles take place every year, won by some guy whose name you never heard before. This guy then becomes a big-time celebrity for about ten minutes and in honor of him, everyone goes to the gym to work out until some new goal comes along.

Nevertheless, it has become increasingly common to hear the word "marathon" being used to describe anything long, such as 48 straight hours of "What's Happening" or "The Brady Bunch." Granted, I've spent more times watching these marathons than I have watching the running kind, but that does not mean I agree with this concept. After all, this takes on the exact opposite definition of a marathon.

Real definition: Long, strenuous race involving constant movement.

TV definition: Long time period involving people sitting motionless except to raise chips to face and to point at screen when Rerun dances.

Now, I know the networks are going to complain about me taking away their word. That is why I have come up with a few replacements. For example, 48 consecutive hours of the same television show can now be called the "Get a Job" time, or maybe even the "It's probably a bad sign that I have these scripts memorized" time.

Let's take baby steps in making 2006 a great year, and then in 2007 we will be really drastic and try to change everything. I've done my part, now do yours*.
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